I’m sat here with my headphones on, listening to some midi (music) files I wrote about ten years ago (TEN YEARS!) and feeling incredibly proud of myself because they aren’t that bad. I’m genuinely surprised they aren’t awful. Even so, listening to the stuff I wrote on the computer all those years ago is an interesting journey and horrifically self-indulgent (also a very guilty pleasure).
An unwanted side-effect is the crippling self-doubt. I lost my ability to play properly many years ago and don’t have the patience or time to learn again.
And I wonder how long it will be before I lose the other skills…
Or whether I really had any in the first place?
Every time I begin a new creative venture, I worry I’ll suck the life out of it. I began the rewrite of the novel I wrote in the summer and already it’s not what I thought it would be. It feels dry like week-old bread.
I’m scared I won’t be able to do it again – the brilliance I mean. I’ll put this GREATNESS on my shoulders then become lost to it as I stare at the pedestal of expectation I’ve built for myself.
What if I’m just plain old NOT GOOD ENOUGH? What if they figure out that I’m an imposter and I’ve blagged my way here with no real skill or talent, just a hope and a bit of faked confidence? What if my lack of skill is uncovered and I’m marching myself straight into the arms of failure?
What is the worst that can happen if I’m found out?
People might laugh.
So what. I like to make people laugh. I get pleasure out of being at the centre of a laughing group. I’m a try-hard clown (who isn’t very good at clowning).
People might ridicule me
If they’re laughing at me, they’re leaving someone else alone. I openly accept I’m a twat. Bring it.
People might swear at me
Nothing new there.
People might tell me I’m crap.
I might not live up to my own standards….
There is the problem.
I MIGHT not live up to MY OWN standards.
Those high expectations I have for myself. The bar I’ve set which is way higher than is humanly possible. I know all this. I know.
And I was really talented.