PPK’s song, ResuRection, was in the charts when I was in my late teens/early twenties (don’t go looking up the year) and I was going through a tough time. I was trying to get my head around what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, as well as simultaneously trying to end my life and that’s one hell of a contradiction for someone who was already on all the medication a doctor could throw at her.
I remember hearing the tune and going home to play it on our piano. My brain was then satisfied I would never lose how it sounded and I was safe to enjoy it by obsessively listening to it on repeat after I’d taped it off the radio (probably.)
The fact that it came on tonight while I’m trying to write a coherent blog post only served to concrete the need I have to resurrect my writing. If I believed in such things, I would say it was an omen. The beginning of something grand, the SIGN THAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING… or spotify has been using my listening history to produce an accurate musical representation of my personality.
My head space has been limited and I don’t feel like I have a lot to say. Well, I have a lot to say, but how much of what I have to say you’ll find relevant is something different, isn’t it? So I don’t post it. Because I had the FINGER FEAR… OK, I should probably find another phrase to describe that and never call it finger fear ever again. It’s that feeling you get when you realise that your blog, that thing you put on the web so that EVERY ONE CAN SEE IT is being seen by EVERYONE.
And everyone includes your mum, your dad, your dog, your cat, your gran who fucking HATES profanity, your boss, other work type people, people you may or may not have “liked”, people who will post excerpts back to you in private chat sessions while you’re trying to work…
And that gets fucking scary. Scary enough to make it all stop happening. Kinda like this.
Anyway, that’s kind of what I had for a bit. I was trying so hard with limited brain space to be a proper grown up type person and be all responsible then it all got a bit much and I realised I’m just ME. I like blogging. I like writing shitty novels. I like doing NaNoWriMo challenges. I like to do something that isn’t work to relax.
That’s not insane. That’s incredibly not insane, actually. That’s how normal human beings function normally.
So, with that in mind (and after a bit of encouragement from someone…) I’m going to do NaNoWriMo and resurrect my writing.